Fox 35 - Parenting Difficult Children or Teens: The 4 "T's" to Avoid

Learn the 4 "T's" to Avoid when Dealing with Oppositional Children or Teens:We can discuss "the No Nos with Oppositional students"1. Triggers - Saying No before Validating the Childs Wants or Feelings2. Threats - These are perceived by the Oppositional Child as a Challenge and the one with the most energy wins.3. Temporary Insanity - Sentencing the child during intense emotion will escalate the child.4. Tone - If you escalate your tone and lose your cool then the child feels they win emotionally because they made you join them in their misery. "If you say that one more time I am going to slap you" and as this mother was telling me the story, I immediately knew the outcome as she recalls the story over the weekend in a restaurant. Whenever a threat is made between a parent and Oppositional student it's like issuing a challenge and the one with the most energy wins. The student wins in their own mind if they can provoke the parent to jump into the ring with them. In a period of temporary insanity, the student will hunker down and go for the jugular in an attempt to win emotionally and the parent will pull rank by adding more restrictions and consequences. An emotional win for the student is when they can get the parent to a point of temporary insanity.Parent: "Okay you have one week, do you want to go for two."Student: "Fine I don't care if you ground me for a month."Parent: "You got it!"Now here is a great example of temporary insanity; there is a student grounded in the house with the parent for a month. So who really has the greatest punishment . . . the parent! The situation gets worse when the parents realize they were temporarily insane when they made this consequence and may give in and reduce the sentence to 1 week or 2 weeks. The student will also continue to annoy and pester the parent and wear them down emotionally during this time to get a reduced sentence. So when the parent reduces the time, in the mind of the student they "win again" as they were able to get the sentence reduced.By the way, Temporary Insanity is typically reached when we become so angry that emotion drives our conversation and thoughts and we can not think logically. Typically when someone is Angry or Temporarily Insane it is a great idea to allow each other to walk away and revisit the conflict when both parties have had time to cool down and think about their part in the conflict.Other examples of Temporary Insanity or Oppositional No No's are statements that we may not be able to enforce:Parent: "Don't even think about it," "You will do it," "You will not do it," or "Put it away Now!"According to Russell Barkely, M.D., a leading expert on Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), it's not a genetic disorder. ODD is often a product of parents that are on opposite sides of the page. For instance, a passive parent and authoritarian parent that do not agree on discipline and the student will put a strain on the marriage and household by playing the parents against each other. Another parent scenario that encourages ODD behavior is an absent or uninvolved parent and authoritarian parent. Some parents will avoid the conflict and disengage again giving a message to the student they have won emotionally by wearing a parent down. Then the student thinks they are in control. Read More at www.totallifecounseling.com/odd.htmRead More About the Author & Child/Adolescent Expert Jim West, MA, LMHC at http://www.totallifecounseling...

Channel: Howto & Style
Uploaded: November 30, 1999 at 12:00 am
Author: TotalLifeMedia

Length: 04:57
Rating: 5.0
Views: 2072

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